The Accidental Anthropologist: What Happens When You Stop Networking and Start Connecting
I had a system. A brutal, efficient filtration system for my time that would make Marie Kondo look sentimental. Lunch? Almost never available. Coffee? Only if there was a clear business objective. Random "let's catch up" requests? Filed under "maybe when I retire."
Every meeting needed an outcome. A deal. A lead. A tangible next step. And here's the embarrassing part: when meetings actually did deliver the expected result, I'd somehow still leave disappointed. It was never quite enough. The transaction never quite scratched whatever itch I thought it would.
Then the pandemic hit, lockdowns happened, and I found myself with something I hadn't had in twenty years: bandwidth. Real, actual, unscheduled time. So I made myself a promise: meet three new people a week. No agenda. No expected ROI. No exit strategy mapped out before the coffee gets cold.
Just... connection.
This is what I learned.
Turns out, removing the transaction removes the disappointment. When you're not keeping score, you can't lose.
These conversations remind me that most people are more sincere than we give them credit for. That a comedian bringing joy to kids in hospitals isn't looking to be hired. The finance director who moved her three children across the world after losing her husband isn't networking. The rabbi supporting college students, the marketing exec building community impact, the journalist-turned-jewelry-designer, they're just living interesting lives and willing to share them.
Meeting someone new requires effort. There's commute time, that awkward moment of recognition, the vulnerability of sharing personal information. And that effort means something.
Here's what I didn't expect: some of these people became deep friends. Unexpected partnerships emerged. My worldview expanded in ways I couldn't have engineered if I'd tried. But none of it would have happened if I'd walked in with those goals. The widening of my points of contact has enriched my life and my heart precisely because I wasn't trying to enrich anything.
If you want to try this, here's how to start.
1. Kill the agenda. No expectations means no disappointments. You're not there to get something or give something. You're there to be present.
2. Change your opening question. Instead of "What do you do?" Try "What brings you joy?" Or "How do you spend your time?" Watch how the conversation shifts.
3. Start small. Three people a week feels ambitious because it is. Start with one. Then two. Work up to it. Before you know it, each connection will beget you another.
4. Say yes to weird invitations. The most interesting people often come from the least expected places.
5. Let it be awkward. First meetings are supposed to feel a little uncomfortable. That's how you know you're doing something new.
I spent years optimizing for outcomes and missed the entire point. Connection isn't productive. It's not efficient. It doesn't scale. And yet I make that investment in it again and again.
From Your Biggest Champion,
Nicole
